Saturday, December 19, 2009

Santa Has Style


Recently you may have seen a post on my girlfriends blog about my Santa Claus hat and how I wear it all the time. It was actually only the title of the post and the blog itself had nothing to do with Santa, hats, or fashion of any kind. That being said, here is my rebuttal.

Santa hats are awesome. They are comfortable, very soft to the touch, and one hat can fit several different heads making their carbon footprint much less due to fewer sizes needed. If you are jogging they can serve as signal to surrounding vehicles that you are there, similar to a reflective vest, with their bright red color and glistening furry sheen. Plus they are much more fashionable than an ugly vest.

But probably the best reason for wearing a Santa hat every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment of the day is...have you ever seen someone who looked sad wearing a Santa hat? Or for that matter, don't you start to feel good when you see a Santa hat coming your way? I do. Which is why I will continue to spread the love all around with the good old red, white, and.....white.

To you Santa 'haters' out there, at least you'll stay warm with the lump of coal that will come in your stocking.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Traaaditiooooooon!!

That's supposed to be from the play/movie "Fiddler on the Roof". There is a song in which he sings about tradition or something. I don't really know, it's been a while since I've seen it.

I thought I might talk a little today about tradition. Specifically, Christmas traditions. My family has quite a few and they are all awesome. One of the first things about the Christmas season is we NEVER....EVER....EVER listen to Christmas songs until after Thanksgiving is over. That also extends to Christmas movies. Unless they are sort of fringe movies, for instance Die Hard. Die Hard (the first one) actually takes place on Christmas eve and there are a lot of Christmassy things that happen like, well, John McClain shoots this terrorist in the chest six times and then puts a Santa hat on him and writes "Now I've got a machine gun. Ho, Ho, Ho" in sharpie on his chest. Doesn't that just put you in that ol' holiday spirit!

A lot of people wait till after Thanksgiving to start getting into the Christmas spirit, so here's another. We always go out, about a week before Christmas, and drive around looking at Christmas lights all while singing carols. Normally it's the Muppet Christmas album with John Denver, which is one of our favorites, but we've been known to throw in another CD from time to time. This year we will definitely listen to something different, but I'll talk about that in a bit.

On of the most important things is Christmas movies....we have a schedule. Every night we watch a different Christmas movie such as: Home Alone, Home Alone 2, The Santa Claus(e), Muppet Christmas Carol, Elf, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (claymation), and always on Christmas eve a Mickey's Christmas Carol or as we also call it "a Dobbie Doin Doin". It would take too long to explain that one, but just know that it isn't baby talk and has something to do with how Donald Duck talks. Those other movies can go in any order and once in a while we'll throw some different ones in the mix, but those are our mainstays.

The last tradition we have is reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" on the night before Christmas. We each have our own boxes of ornaments that we've collected over the years (which is actually another tradition) and after Christmas eve when we finished reading the book, we put the book in one of our (my brothers' and sister's) boxes and they have to read it the next year. Although, there have been at least two or three years that I've had to read it so I don't know how that worked out.

NOW. The NEW tradition that will become widespread across the nation, and definitely in my house, is listening to the Bob Dylan Christmas album. For those of you who haven't heard it...it's awesome....ly bad. I mean he did what that guy in "Love Actually" did and make a total crap Christmas album that should have never been made and then just marketed it as ridiculous. It actually may combine with another tradition that we have in my family, which is singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in church, like the Peanuts gang. If you've seen Charlie Brown Christmas you know at the end they sing that song, and the way they are drawn makes it appear that they are looking straight up to the sky while singing. So in church....we do that. Makes my dad laugh every time. My mom actually scolded us once or twice, but it was worth it.

So this year I think we will sing like the Peanuts gang....but with a Bob Dylanesque voice. Which is to say horribly bad.

I'd like to hear from you guys what your family traditions or friend traditions are. Hit me up with some comments and the best one will get a guest blog spot!!

Merry Christmas

Monday, November 30, 2009

It's The Most Wonderful Tiiiime...


A thought.

I was talking with my girlfriend yesterday while we were listening to Christmas music and doing crossword puzzles (man we're old) and "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" came on. Apart from the fact that I think Santa is probably a Nazi with his reindeer having names like Rudolph(Hitler) and Blitzen, she noticed something odd about the song. If you've never heard it...stop living in the sewers. No seriously, this is how it goes...


"You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen" (too many ands)

"Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen" (more 'ands', plus Blitzen sounds like he's leading an attack)

"But do you recall?" (This is where it gets weird)

"The most famous reindeer of all?"

I have never really thought of the wording of this song before because, like most of you, I just learned it as a kid and cared more for the memorizing rather than understanding. Sort of like school I guess. Anyway, if you knew Dasher and Dancer and Lancer and Pony. And Comet and Stupid and Dumber and Nazi, why wouldn't you know the most famous one?!

It's like saying, "Well you know Taylor and Polk and Garfield and Van Buren. But do you recall the most famous President of all? Washington our very first President!" Or Lincoln or whatever you think is the most famous. Point is that's stupid.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving (now with nunchakus)

Before I go into Thanksgiving, lemme just say this. Today I saw while walking at Waterfront Park, a Santa Claus...on a unicycle...playing "Let it Snow"...on bagpipes. I love Portland.

Anyway, I went to Eugene (pronounced You-jean) for Thanksgiving again this year. Ever since I met Maureen, she would go on and on how Thanksgiving was the best holiday. At least with her family. Last year was pretty good, but not anything to write home about. As you can tell by my blog here, I'm writing home now.

This year it was bigger, better, and definately crazier. We had dinner of course, and it was really, really awesome, especially the homemade stuffing. Then desert and a nap, which is essential. Some Longhorn football and a Heisman winning performance by Colt McCoy. Then some really crazy, insane version of sharades (not sure if that's the correct spelling).

I've played some games of sharades in my time, but none with players so skilled. I was trying to stump them, but they even got "Aqueous Transmission"! (which is a song by Incubus).

All in all it was a great Thanksgiving. The only thing that could've made it better would be.....ninjas? For some reason, Hollywood decided it would be a good idea to release an uber violent martial arts action movie called "Ninja Assasin" on Thanksgiving. Granted, Thanksgiving is the biggest movie going day of the year (yup, Americans love to go see a good flick after 5000 calories), but a ninja movie? It really doesn't seem to follow that 'yuletide' spirit. Although, had I not gone to Youjean, I probably would've seen it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hip Hop Hooray....OH...Hey!

Hooray to me! After nearly 10 months of unemployment, yesterday I received offers for not one, but TWO jobs! I will now be both a professional quizmaster and blogger. Weird huh? Anyway, enough of the boring stuff, on with the jokes and funny shtuff!

So, I was down on our favorite street Hawthorne and decided to get my weekly ration of ground coffee and extra crunchy peanut butter at Freddies. Upon exiting said store, I was almost immediately confronted by an 80 year old homeless man holding his dentures and wearing a life preserver. You know, the usual. As I passed him he exclaimed in a rather clear voice considering his age and penchant for booze...

"Naasp nope!"

I stopped and turned toward him with a confused, and admittedly somewhat frightened, look on my face. He must of realized that I could not understand him, so he put his dentures back into his mouth and repeated....

"Nice coat."

I thanked him, then ran the other direction, screaming and throwing spare change into side alleys like chaffs to throw him off my trail.

Why am I telling you all this? Is it because it's strange beyond belief and sort of funny? Yes. But the real reason is, I didn't realize you need teeth to properly enunciate words.

A tongue makes sense, because if you didn't have a tongue you would just sound like Green Day, and no one can understand what the hell they are saying. Lips also make sense because it fine tunes the words. I just don't see why teeth are necessary for speech? Hard sounds like "T", "D", and "C" all need that certain...bite....to...it (Austin Powers (in Goldmember voice)).

I just did a parentheses within a parentheses, which I find pretty cool. Lost my train of thought.

If someone would like to explain to me in the comments why teeth are useful for speech I would like to know. I could just look it up, but my roommate got Modern Warfare 2, and if I'm going to waste my time I would like it to be enjoyable.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Down To The Wire

(this is more like practice for writings to be done later today)

On this day 20 years ago, communism in Europe received its final crushing blow with the fall of the Berlin Wall. As such, I hope to celebrate this momentous occasion by telling you about....my recent trip to the grocery store. (SPOILER: It has nothing to do with Berlin, Germany, walls, falling, or communism. Well, maybe a bit of communism.)

So as I do on Mondays, or at the beginning of the week, I clear out my fridge of all the spoiled and/or empty containers of food and make the journey to the Frederic Meyer (his full name in my head) and restock. Normally when people go to the grocery store the last thing they get is the milk, but for whatever reason today I decided that was the first thing I would get.

Some of you may think, "What's so bad about getting milk first?". Well, it is refrigerated for a reason. Even though many people have repeatedly told me that there isn't a chance in hell (well maybe hell, it's sorta hot there I hear) that a bottle of milk could spoil before you got it home, I felt like the race was on. I was racing down isles and if I couldn't decide before I passed an item if I needed it or not, then on the shelf it would stay. Needless to say I skipped quite a few items and also picked some strange ones up, because I was afraid if I didn't then something horrible would happen with my diet that week.

Another thing I noticed about speed shopping is the vast majority of items that I purchased were ones that happened to be at eye level. I wonder if certain food companies purchase that shelf space? It had never occurred to me, but as I was rolling (I came up with a rule about halfway through the store to save time that I had to glide through isles without touching the ground, which to me was both smart AND fun) I thought that stores could bank on this if they aren't already. Like tell Coke that their products are going on the bottom shelf....unless, they tell us why Coke Zero tastes just like Coke, or something. Maybe money would be better.

Well I got through my grocery store visit withOUT spoiling the milk, and all I had to sacrifice was purchasing the things I needed for stuff that I may or may not eat.

Oh, the communism part. Someone new must have been working the food court counter because the breakfast pizza that they normally have samples of in the morning, had whole slices as samples. I'm not kidding, WHOLE SLICES!! My only conclusion of this is that they were a communist and thought they needed to share the wealth and bring down the Frederick Meyer capitalistic machine. Or they were too lazy to cut it into small pieces. Either way, good for me.

(And for no reason at all, go here http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/)

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Future Is Now

The future is now, the present is past, and the past is...well...damn you got me. Perusing teh intarwebs today I came across this story (and videos YAY!) of a tour that Microsoft is doing on college campuses across the nation. Not your usual boring lectures on how Microsoft got started and all students should look to the company as proof positive to NOT stay in school, they (the company) decided to showcase some prototypes they have been working on.



Prepare yourself, this is the coolest thing I've seen, um, today I guess. But it could be the coolest thing I've seen for months (with the exception of the dinosaur puppets).

http://www.istartedsomething.com/uploads/collegetour1.f4v

and...

http://www.istartedsomething.com/uploads/collegetour2.f4v

The first video shows some of the really cool ways you can interact with your PC using a variety of sensory controls. Voice activation, motion, and eye tracking all to find a webpage without that nasty carpel tunnel crap. But what I like best is the way the "internet browser" (if you can call it that) works.

You give the computer a voice command like, "Computer, search 'toilet stall tapping' " and then a billion tiny web pages fly up on your screen, like some kind of mosaic art piece.

Looking at the billion web pages that are 2x2 pixels in size you exclaim, "Computer, this is incredibly useless to me. Organize." And then the web browser throws arbitrary categories on the newly rearranged web page dots.

Now that you have something resembling a path to surf the web by, you can tell your PC, "Computer-ji...oh, sorry we're not in India...Computer, go to US Senators." Then you can use your eye tracking skills to pick out all the fun web pages in that category talking about closet homosexual senators and the wonderfully hypocritical lives they lead.

The coolest stuff is of course the clear display and being able to pretend you are Tony Stark, even though you would probably just look at stuff on FaceBook instead of designing an armored robot suit for fighting crime.

Can't wait for that!! Of course it's probably going to take five years till they bring it to us, and another 10 before it's actually affordable, but we'll all be millonaires by then right? (of course by then a millonaire is minimum wage due to inflation)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

It's Been A While...

Checking my blog today, I realized that I haven't posted anything in a week!! How bored you all must be!! Without me to entertain you, life must be so bland. Well I'm back, and although I can't think of anything that interesting and/or provacative to write about...there's always Japan. The Bloggess, a favorite blog of mine, recently took a trip there with her husband, resulting in some zany antics but not telling us much about the land of the rising sun.

So Japan. Land of a thousand weird things. Maybe more. Here are a few to satiate you till I can think of something better to write:




The Windows 7 Whopper. Japan decided that the best way to celebrate a new Microsoft OS that will endoubtedly clog up your computer in the very near future, would be to clog up your arteries. This Whopper contains, you guessed it, seven hamburger patties!! Excluding my brothers (who are now probably trying to scrounge up money to buy tickets to Japan for the sole purpose of this burger) everyone else thinks this is beyond a bad idea. Kinda like wasting money on getting Vista when it was, in retrospect, only a beta version of 7.



On a side note, PC of the Mac & PC commercials should talk about how Apple products are designed to fail once they create a new line. My iphone has taken a huge dive since the release of 3GS and my roommate's is worse.



The Anti-Flu suit.
In light of the recent Swine Flu scares, Japanese company Haruyama Trading Co. has created a suit to repel the spread of the H1N1 virus. The suit is made from titanium dioxide and when it goes under sunlight the substance reacts with some sort of minor corrosive agent killing the virus.

Superb invention Japan! Now if we could only do something about the areas that the virus actually ENTERS THE BODY. Namely the eyes, nose and mouth. At least its stylish.



Lastly, I haven't really talked about gaming much. As this blog was orginally designed for geeks and such, it seems only fitting to have one crazy ass Japanese arcade game!! I give you ... table flipping.



The point of this game is to get your character pissed enough to want to overturn the table. You are on a date and certain things that happen through the evening cause you "anger". Whenever you see a queue that "makes you mad" you slam your hands on the table. Once you've built up enough rage you finish the level by flipping the table over, causing a scene, and generally ruining your date. Congratualtions you win!!

That's all for now, I hope you enjoyed this look into the land of people who have no concept of normal society.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Flame On!!!

A friend of mine recently received her first negative comment on her blog, and I was like...TOTALLY JEALOUS!!!

Let me explain. The goal of a blog is to get readers, now logic dictates that in order to be a reader you have to actually like what you are reading. I mean why would I want to read something that I didn't care about or didn't like? The main goal, however, is entertainment, and mind-bogglingly enough people love to hate.

So to me the greatest comment to receive is a negative one, because it (in a sense) validates your blog as being so popular that even people who think it sucks have to read it. Of course if the blog is openly offensive that's kind of cheating.

It's like when NBC realized that Howard Stern was the real deal. They took a poll of people who liked and disliked the show and of the folks who liked it (probably not 'folks' cause it was in NYC...maybe goyims, but then again I'm not Jewish) they listened on average for 2.5 hours. Then they rated the people who hated the show (who had to have listened at least once by default) and they listened to the show an average of 4 HOURS!!

Before they were called 'haters', now the world of teh intarwebs they are known as 'flamers'. Not gay (though they kind of are), but people who live to comment negatively on stuff.

Kudos to Melissa and her negative comment. I hope someday, someone will care enough to hate what I write too.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Sport Has Passed Me By

When I was a boy I played many a sport. I began with baseball, because that's what my dad played and it was America's pastime.

I find it funny that baseball of all sports is America's pastime. It's slow, you sit around and do nothing for most of it, and it's even acceptable to use narcotics during the game (chewing tobacco). Weird.

Anywho, I played baseball for about five years and soccer for four. Basketball I played probably the most at six or seven years (I can't recall the exact amount), but the sport I loved was hockey!

Texas? Hockey? Doesn't really fit, right? It was on the wave of two things: first, "The Mighty Ducks" which sent the nation into a hockey frenzy for a few years, and the coming of the then Minnesota North Stars to Dallas. I take great pride in my hockey skills because at the time, no one else in my family knew how to skate. I taught myself going back and forth on the driveway out back for hours. I bought my sticks to play and would typically play from the time I got out of school (3:30) to when it was time for dinner (5:30). In the summers it would be from just after noon till it got dark! I played hockey a total of around 10 years and got really good. I would say at my best, good enough to go into a minor league club and do alright. I even got a bunch of supplies and found a nice rink to play pickup games at when I moved out here to Portland.

Recently I've been thinking more and more about it for exercise purposes, but a video I just saw made me want to quit altogether.




That's a nine year old! Even if I tried to break this kids face with my size.....he would still beat me! For those who don't understand what they are seeing in the video, the kid basically flips the puck so it lays flat on the blade of his stick, then using the centripetal force, spins around, and slingshots the puck into the net!!

WTF!!!!

The goalie clearly has the right idea as he hardly goes down into his stance, then after the puck goes in he immediately starts to move off the ice and go ask his father to shoot him in the face because he just realized that all your dreams do NOT come true!

This kid just received a notice from the Canadian government that he is allowed (when he turns 18) to visit all of the cities of Canada, all expenses paid, and impregnate their women.....and maybe a bear or two.

(I've had a theory for years that the Canadian government was secretly doing experimentation on bear/hockey player cross breeding to make super unstoppable bear hockey players. More research needs to be done.)

Friday, October 16, 2009

When I Grow Up.....

As a child, we all have dreams. We want to be firemen(or firewomen), police officers, astronaunts, and the like, but as time moves on we refine that dream job and make it more specific and usually more mature. Here is the breakdown of my dream career evolution:

Age 3 - Master of the Universe; I kinda started thinking big. If only I had gotten that magic sword, I still might be on that path.

Age 5 - Scientist; Here I became more practical and thought, "If I could devise some way to create robots to do my bidding then I'll have all the free time I need to find that damn magical sword!" (I never mentioned my ulterior motives to anyone)

Age 7 - Paleontologist; I know, a 7 year old wanting to be a paleontologist is kinda weird. I liked dinosaurs, what can I say? Having given up my search for Greyskull I decided it was time to get serious and search for something real. Although if you are a Seventh Day Adventist, I would be more acurrately searching for "God's tests" or "God's practical jokes" rather than fossils.

Age 10 - Lawyer; I on again off again wanted to be a lawyer throughout my life, but this was the first time I considered it. Both my parents are lawyers, so it just made sense. Thinking back though, the job really isn't for me, plus my dad always said "there are too many lawyers in the world anyway". True, true.

Age 16 - We skipped a bunch of years here cause I didn't really care. Plus, this is the first time I thought of becoming a filmmaker! This is still my dream but it gets interrupted a couple of times before I come back to it.

Age 17 - A brief stint of looking for that stupid magical sword again. Sigh. I'll never find it.

Age 18 - Priest; Yup, there was a time in my life when I was lost and looked to God. I've always liked discussing religion and spirituality so it felt like a natural calling for me. But in the end I decided I was too skeptical a person to be a good leader in any kind of "faith". Plus I'm attracted to women.

Age 21 - Computer Programmer/Debugger; I like computers, I like puzzels, and debugging programs is like putting the two of them together.

Age 22 to yesterday- Filmmaker; I don't know what the future holds for me, but I hope it has something to do with film....OH, wait, what's this?!

Today - Dinosaur puppeteer; I've found my calling. I'm leaving you all to pursue this and I'm not looking back!


Monday, October 12, 2009

For All The Ladies...

The evidence is there, so I've suspected it for a long time, but somehow I always knew.

For those of you who aren't in the 'know', or for those of you who don't read 'The Mercury', here is the article....

http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2009/09/29/today-in-sexual-stereotypes-german-men-named-worst-in-the-sack-spaniards-are-the-best

Using scientific evidence and sophisticated techniques of reasoning and deduction, the Phd researchers and Nobel Prize winning sociologists have found out that Germans make the worst lovers and .... Spaniards are the best. My last name is Fernandez, and though at times I claim the Mexican flag, my true linage would best be described as Spanish.

I know that even as I write this, many of you ladies are trying to find me via Google, friends, relatives, and any other way they can. The rumors are true. All the stereotypes and hype about us is, well, sadly true. I say sadly, because it is a burden to live with such gifts. As Peter Parker's father once said, "With great power comes great responsiblity". I am responsible for the happiness of all the women of the world. I will do what I can.

.....just kidding darlin', you're the only one for me. Please don't leave me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Robots Are Our Friends?

In the discussion about the future of robots you have two camps: the C-3POs and the Terminators. The C-3POs are friendly, helpful, and will most certainly not turn on you and destroy humanity. The Terminator is, well, the opposite. More often then not, movies tend to lean toward the Matrix side rather than A.I. (Kubrick), because it's more fun and, in my opinion, a much better movie (A.I. sucked).

So I came across this video the other day that put me in a quandry. Here it is below...


Funktionide Part II from eltopo on Vimeo.


This is the Funktionide made by some crazy ass Germans (I knew they'd come back to finish what they started!!!). It is designed to help ease lonliness by simulating the muscle reactions of a human at rest....except it's a robot pillow. The Funktionide (German for crazy ass pillowbot) using a unique electroactive polymers, which is a network of plastic pockets that are stimulated by electric charges, simulate muscle movement. So its a robot...that's designed to be our friend. Hmmmm.

Enough explaining. This thing frightens me more than zombie dentist clowns!! It crawls onto the bed with him!!! ....AND HE LETS IT!! What the hell! What is there to stop this robot pillow from smothering you in your sleep?!

"Oh, Jonathan. You look so lonely. Here, let me put you out of your misery." (pillow talking...lol, pillow talk. Sorry.)

I would have to vote Terminator on this. We need to stop SkyNet, or, HimmelFangen, as it would be in German. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they weren't marketing it to the Jewish community....ok, I went a bit too far there.

Germans, stop trying to make our robot friends and make finish our beerbots!! Lot's of thirsty people over here!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dogs and Cats Are For Chumps!!!

I've never been a cat person. My girlfriend is allergic (like if the Aristocats were singing to her from across the street, she would probably get an ear infection) so that pretty much does it, but they never appealed to me anyways.

Dogs were always my thing, but I never actually owned a dog. I run into this blind and partially deaf dog almost everyday (sometimes I literally run into the dog) and I think to myself, "Man that would be a huge hassle, maybe I shouldn't get a dog."

Over the course of my life I've had three pets. When I was young, about eight, I had a hamster named Monterrey Jack. I watched a lot of 'Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers' and thought it was a good fit. MJ was awesome....especially when I threw him up in the air over my bed with my siblings cause he looked funny flailing around. Before you sick PETA on me, I was a stupid kid and didn't know any better. It was a soft bed I didn't think it would hurt. I actually don't know if that was the cause of death or the bag of Cheetos I fed him, but he's in a much better place I'm sure.

My next pet I got on my 11th birthday and he was a parakeet named Groucho. At that time I really liked Marx brothers movies, so there you go. He lived a long time, but over time I got tired of him and didn't clean up after him as well as I should. Groucho got kinda mean. My sister also got a parakeet that she named Ramona, after the Ramona Quimby novels, and Groucho promptly killed her. Bit her throat or something. Later he died and I moved on.

Last I had a turtle who I named Spike. Spike is a traditional dog name, at least in cartoons, and so I thought it would be funny. Spike was (or is, he might still be alive) a Mississippi Maps turtle and really cool! I used to take him out and let him crawl around. I would clean his shell and let him swim in the tub. But man oh man.....did he smell awful!! I mean a two week old dead fish floating in a pool of rancid milk, bad! When I left for my traveling job, I couldn't take him with me and so my good friend, who had a turtle of her own, took him and cared for him. Spike was a climber and somehow escaped, so he may ACTUALLY be in a better place.

All those pets were fine, but not great. A dog would be better, but the whole point of this is I've found probably the best option for a pet. Check this out...


That, is not photoshop'd. That, is a baby....pygmy....hippo. Those are baby carrots down by its feet. How would you like to play in the tub, with a freakin' baby, pygmy, HIPPO!! I mean it would be the coolest thing ever! It would float in the water, and when it came up for air it would wiggle its ears like you see on the Discovery channel, I mean....HOLY SHIT!! Plus when they're full grown, they're still small. Like the size of a dog...but a hippo! I'm not doing a good job of explaining how cool this is, so just stare at the picture a while and maybe you'll see what I see....magic.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Laughing With/At Me

So many of you, my readers, probably already know of a new blog my girlfriend (though I'm not too sure about the friend part) began called "Things Tony Says And Does". Here is a little background.

My girlfriend thinks I'm funny. Not in the good way. She laughs at me instead of with me. So one day (I think it was Thursday) she thought out loud, "I need a new project. Hmmmm, how about a blog making fun of you every chance I get?!"

...I may be paraphrasing.

It started with the first post, of me trying to slaughter an enormous fly, but really she's been at it a long while. There probably hasn't been a week since we've been together that she didn't blab to a friend of something 'stupid' I did.

So when she proposed the blog, I actually thought it would be fun. After the first couple of posts I started to have doubts.

"What if people start thinking I'm weird and don't want to hang out with me because of my lack of Spanish skills or that I can't 'curb my own enthusiasm'?!"

Then she told me that she linked this blog on hers. Not to help me out or anything, just as proof that I'm exactly as she describes. Touche, she does have a point. I'm not exactly hiding my insane behavior.

So, I've decided to be even MORE strange and bizarre!! (Hehe, let's see if she likes that!) For your own enjoyment I will make it my goal to step on more rakes, get caught in racist situations, try unusual methods for disposing of old fruit, and getting in fights with complete strangers over my place in line at the butcher counter!

Have a laugh...on my behalf! (I'm soooo sweet.)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Munnnaaaaaay!!

That's supposed to be 'money' in musical form, as in the song by Pink Floyd on their iconic album Dark Side of the Moon.

I was on teh intarwebs today and decided to catch up on the IMDB. Apparently I missed that Michael Moore made another film, and it's quasi big news. The film is entitled "Capitalism: A Love Story" and embarks on a quest to find out what happened with the economy and why we are so f#$%ed! ( I censored this on my Dad's behalf)

While I'm sure it's a well done documentary, in so far that it will be entertaining and mildly informative, I was sort of peeved with the trailer and a clip I saw from Jay Leno's new NOT the Tonight Show.

http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3607560729/ You can see it there with the clip from the film, just skip over Michael Moore singing (or your brain will melt within your skull and leak out your ears!).

In the clip he goes from business to business, bank to bank in a (borrowed? rented? who cares) Brinks armored truck, asking for the bailout money back so that he can give it to the American people. This is beyond retarded and just a little sad. He's not making a point (and if he's trying to then it's a BIG sad). He's just trying to make the bad guy (banks being bailed out) look even worse by refusing to give some fat guy in a baseball cap billions of dollars that he promises to take back to the US treasury. I don't get it.

Before I continue, I don't disagree with Michael Moore. In fact I think the bailouts are a greater show of stupidity by our government than the legislative equivalent of driving a railroad spike through your head because you have an itch. It's just the way he's showing it.

It's insulting to everyone. To me, to him, to the American public, everyone! We can't be shown numbers and charts because that's too boring so the only way we will get up off our asses and do something is to get unnecessarily pissed off at the people getting these bailouts.

Of course they won't give him the money! Of course they'll tell him to get out! He's a fat asshole! If he came to my house, I'd probably call the cops too. Not because I thought he was going to ask for money to give back to the American people. Mostly because I would have no idea why Michael Moore was visiting me, other than he was hungry and wanted to eat me.

Low and behold, his little trailer did make me think a bit (and write this blog), and I did some calculations myself. According to CNNs "bailout tracker", which as far as I can tell is monitoring everything that's being reported by the government concerning economic bailouts of any kind, we (the US government) are bailing out a total of............................11.....TRILLION....cents..NO...DOLLARS!!!

http://money.cnn.com/news/storysupplement/economy/bailouttracker/

(That's the link above)

America's population is just under 305 million. If you took that 11 trillion and distributed evenly (we probably wouldn't, since there are quite a few folks out there who don't need it but would definately put it back into the economy) to those 305 million Americans, it would be $36,000/person!!!! Again thats for every man, woman, AND child so there are some kinks to work out. But come on, wouldn't that stimulate the economy better? And since those companies that suck are going under, that money would be supporting the businesses left who had their stuff together. Supporting good and punishing the bad. Of course, really we shouldn't be giving this money out in the first place (I'm a libertarian) but we live in an imperfect world.

Enough ranting for one day......Michael Moore sucks!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm A Family Man

So the other day, my girlfriend asked me this,

"Do you ever see other people with kids and feel like you want one?"

No, not really. Not at all.

It's not that I don't want kids or love having kids around (they're more fun that adults most of the time), I just don't get the feeling to have kids when I see other people with them. I mean, most of the time I think to myself, "Man, that kid is annoying. I'm glad he/she isn't mine."

So then I was asked the follow up question,

"So what does make you want to have kids?"

Well, I guess, maybe, when I'm watching cartoons....it would be nice to have someone to watch them with. Ya, maybe when I'm watching Spongebob, I'd like to not be the only person laughing at Patrick the Starfish (cause there are usually people laughing, but it's mainly toward me and not the show). But not just Spongebob, there is TMNT, GI JOE, Transformers, He-Man (all the classics) and whatever new Japanese anime I happen to be into at the time.

She didn't really like that response, and kinda maybe said something to the effect of "We won't have any TVs" or "I'm leaving you", but of course all that is rediculous (especially the TV thing).

Today, I found another reason. A better reason. An awesome.....reason.

This...


Witness, the Brabus (made by Mercedes). It probably means something in German, but I like to think it's just a combination of "bra" as in "wassup bra?" and "bus". Kinda like a dude-mobile...except a minivan.


Anyway, from this picture you can see it just looks like an ordinary minivan with maybe a few more curves and a Mercedes Benz symbol. But there is soooo much more.





Check it...

Ya, that's the back. It contains: a 32-inch electronically deployed LCD screen, Wi-Fi, Sony Viao laptop (with additional ports for laptops to be connected), PS3 (this is an option on the vehicle), a Vertue Constellation luxury cellphone (that's an 18-karat gold plated cell for those of you who don't know), and an espresso maker!!
I wouldn't even want to drive this thing!! I think I would sooner have my 4 year old (not 3, that's crazy) drive, then have to take this sucker out on the road without enjoying all those goodies. Ok, maybe this isn't a great reason to have kids, but everyone can agree it is an awesome reason to have kids!


Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's Hairy Out There

(Once again, I have no idea if everything should be capitalized in the title)

So friends, this time I am dispensing with the humor and writing about something serious. Where are the jobs?! I have now been unemployed (by my calculations) for eight months and I have to tell it's not because I haven't been trying. Fortunately I have been able to keep busy and work toward my career at the same time with some key purchases I made at the start of my unemployment (camera and editing suite) and now I am happy to report that my portfolio hath grown considerably. But even so, the job market today is wrecked and everyplace wants someone with experience, even though you could probably teach a monkey in a month to brew some coffee that tastes just as good (if not better) than a Starbucks cup.

To those of you who found a job recently, how did you do it? I mean I've applied to everything I have a bit of experience in, and some things I didn't but knew that within a week I could do it as well as anyone. I mean, come on, if a coffee shop is looking for someone with "at least three years of barista experience" there is something wrong with the job market. I am now of the philosophy that in today's "world of work", it is better to go for a job above your experience level than below it. Here is my rationale for my thinking:

Let's say you a business owner. You need someone to operate a cart that shuttles boxes from one end of a warehouse to the other for packing and shipping. It's a job that most anyone can do, and therefore would be simple to hire for right? Well, say you put out a job posting that reads "Need a cart operator for moving boxes. Must be able to lift 25lbs and be on time. No experience necessary." With a job posting like that you are liable to receive 100s of applications and resumes for this one position. So in order to weed out all the people who just want something that pays you put, "Need a cart operator for moving boxes. Must be able to lift 25lbs, have forklift and warehouse experience, and high school diploma." Now you may get down to about 50. At this point you might just take those 50 and read through the first ten and pick out three of those to interview.

The problems don't stop there, because even if the employer successfully weeds out a good portion of those who just need a job, there might be a few that escape through and then just dump the job after they land a better one. Employers know that people are settling right now, so they tend to take slightly under qualified people in the hopes that they stay on for longer than a month or two. It's a revolving door with a majority of low paying jobs, though more so right now than say a year or two ago.

This is why I believe the answer to our current economic crisis is to not sell ourselves short. If we settle for less then we all get less, but if we strive for more, for better, then we all benefit.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Don't Mess With Geeks


I came across a story today that I found, well, awesome. Before I get into it though, a bit of background of why this story is so awesome to me.


I'm a day dreamer. By day dreamer I mean I have fantasies play out in my head while I'm awake, so they can be in the day, afternoon, evening, or even night. With that rationale they should be called wake dreams instead....ya, I 'wake dream' a lot.


As an example: I'm walking down a street by myself and there is a group of thugish guys standing around. I see a young girl walking on the opposite side of the street and the guys start to cat call at her. Here is where my day dream starts.....


The guys move over to her and start to harass her further and she begins to call out in distress. I'm walking by and calmly ask the guys to stop and leave her alone. To which they say "What are you gonna do about it asshole?!"


"This."


And I headbutt the first guy in face, breaking his noise and rendering him unconscious. The other two come at me with knives, but I catch one of the guys hands, pull his arm forward, and break his elbow backward over my shoulder. The last guy lunges at me only to find his friend being flung at him as I roll him over my shoulder. With all of them beaten and broken on the ground, I pick up my bag and start to walk away. The young girl runs up behind me and asks me to wait, wanting to know my name. I look over my shoulder and say, "Just a good samaritan."


At this point I've already passed by the group and of course nothing happened, but one can dream. This guy in the story actually lived it.


At Johns Hopkins University, a group of undergrad students had some electronics stolen from their apartment. Some days later, one of the students heard something going on downstairs and after noticing the garage pried open he became wary and investigated further. Now when you think there is a robber on the premises you generally want some protection....so he grabbed a samurai sword. Being a geek, he had one. He found someone trying to take their PS3 and once discovered the perp lunged at him. He defended himself by slashing at the perp cutting off his hand and MORTALLY wounding him in the chest! Ya, he killed the guy with a samurai sword. The last person in maybe 150 years to kill someone with a samurai sword...is a Johns Hopkins undergrad student. Wow.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

NIHON PWN!

The title is pronouced Nee-hone Pone and means (in mixed languages) Japan is awesome (loosely translated). There are several reasons for this but just to name a few:

1. They have life-size giant robots!

If you are familiar with Japanese anime (animated movies and television shows) then you would recognize this 30 story high, actual size replica of a Gundam. Gundam is a popular anime show that has spawned dozens of television series, severval animated movies, and zillions of toys and other collectables....but this is a bit crazy. Towering just outside of Tokyo proper, this giant robot is a major tourist attraction and also a monumental waste of money. But awesomeness doesn't (and shouldn't) have a price tag.

2. Insanely fatty pizzas made by Pizza Hut (now discontinued *tear)



This pizza boasts a whopping 646 calories PER SLICE! To put that in perspective, the highest rated caloric intake item found at a resturant in the US (as of '04 census by the Food Network) was the Outback Steakhouse's "bloomin' onion" at appoxiametly 2000 calories! This means before you finish your 3rd slice of this pie, you would have consumed the equivalent of an entire giant onion that has been shredded and deep fried! Deeming it a serious health risk, the nation of Japan decided to discontinue it's production and went back to smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day all while working off of 2 hours of sleep.

3. Barcodes

I know, why barcodes? Cause the Japanese make everything fun and cute! Check them out!
Most people wouldn't think to decorate a barcode, but in Japan they leave no stone unturned. Now when they scan your item at the store and wonder why you are getting ripped off by a combination of overpricing and inflation, you can take a look at the barcode and say, "Well at least they are putting that money to good use!"

4. Clothing is lightyears ahead!

Japan is all about simplification and looking ahead to the future (which is why robots will begin their uprising there). Here is an example from the clothing world.


What you are seeing here is basically a "cut-to-the-chase" solution for young girls. Low rider jeans keep getting lower, but you don't like changing your underwear that much and can't get away with it if they keep getting exposed when you bend over. Fear not lazy skanks, I give you the lowest low rider possible with built in exposed underwear! Japan 1 - rest of fashion world 0.
I'll be back sometime with more weird stuff from Japan, and I'll try to keep it PG cause Lord knows that there is some questionable stuff coming out of there that goes waaaaay beyond an R rating. Till then...




Friday, September 4, 2009

Quack = PWNED

Ok, if you live in Oregon and/or are from Oregon you eventually fall into one of two camps: Oregon State Beavers or University of Oregon Ducks. Now because my girlfriend and her family have always been U of O Duck fans, that's who I lean towards (even though my blood is burnt orange and will never be anything but a Longhorn). But after yesterday's events, I can officially say when it comes time for picking sides in the Civil War game, I won't even hesitate to quack.



For those of you who don't follow sports, or don't own a television, or have access to the internet, or live under a rock, Oregon played Boise State in their football season opener yesterday. After the Duck's crushing loss, defensive end Byron Hout made some offensive remarks to Oregon running back LaGarrette Blount. Apparently it was bad enough that Blount thought Hout (it's weird their names are similar) should take a seat on the turf and think about what he said. Seeing as how Hout was not going to listen to reason and calmly do that, Blount was forced to suckerpunch him to the ground.

You can check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxAIcRHs1tk

Wasn't that badass!?! It sucks that the guy was suspended for the WHOLE season! I understand you can't tolerate that sort of behavior, and since they aren't getting paid to play (sort of) you can't really fine him (unless he's taken to court), but the whole season?! How about half? I mean he's their star running back and more than that, I wanna see him play the second half of the season with the opposing team afraid that he's gonna deck them at any given moment!

I mean how cool would that be that he rushes for say 7 yards, then gets up from the pile and motions like he's going to hit the guy who tackled him. Then the next run he goes for 12. Then 15. Pretty soon people are afraid to look at him cause they think he snuck a gun into the stadium and the line just hikes the ball straight to him.

Another thing that pisses me off by that suspension, if Hout didn't drop like a skirt at a Prince concert, then he would've had maybe a 3 game suspension tops. Not only that, why shouldn't there be fighting? It's an intergal part of hockey and the sport still seems to be doing ok. Even more than hockey, these guys are supposed to hit each other. When you have THAT much testosterone and THAT much physical contact it's actually miraculous there isn't a fight like that every quarter, much less every season!

I say fighting should be a yellow card offense, to meld two different referee styles. Since in soccer you would get red carded immediately and in hockey it would be only a 5 minute penalty, why not make it yellow card offense and if they get another one then they're gone for the game. Or better yet, if they fight then they can't come back till that series is over (we'll make it both offense and defense series). I would start watching pro football more regularly if they did that and also some college games that I don't give a shit about. Hell I might even consider getting that ESPN college game pass or whatever that gives you like 60 more games just to see some lower division schools duke it out, cause they know they're not going to get anywhere near the NFL.

Well, here's to dreamin'. And go Blount!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Movies Are For Fun

To start, a quick question unrelated to this post's topic. In a blog title what gets capitalized? I could just look right now on teh intarwebs, but because I'm writing this post I thought I'd pose my query as an odd intro. Well, there it is. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Today, on my walk back from the coffee shop, I was listening to the newest installment of SModcast. For those who aren't "in the know", SModcast is in fact a podcast that is usually weekly (depending on their mood and work schedule) made by Kevin Smith (Clerks, Dogma, Zack & Miri) and Scott Mosier (producer of most of Kevin Smith's movies). The two talk about whatever pops into their heads, usually involving pop + an extra 'o' in the middle (hehe that made a funny face too *shaking my head* .... ok concentrate) and or some kind of homosexual references. Today's was no exception, but they did talk the majority of the time about movies and more specifically remakes.

Now Mosier is a pretty critical character when it comes to cinema, but Smith is more of the mind that movies are meant to entertain.

I should say that Mosier enjoys a great deal of films as well, it's just he's harder to really please.

I was going to do today's post about this crazy video some guy put out there that nukes are fake and it's just a government conspiracy to keep us all scared of the apocalypse, but what the two filmmakers said really struck me. Here's why...

I don't pretend to know everything about filmmaking or film history, but I have been known to give out some critiques on films. Just the other day I was discussing with my brother how I wished that the film "Inglourious Basterds" (I spelled it wrong...right this time) was 30 minutes shorter. I felt the dialouge in most of Tarantino's signature 'round table discussions' was just too long, and could stand to trim anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes off each.

Now am I wrong about that, as my brother thinks, or is my assessment of the film correct? Who the hell cares! I loved the film, it was awesome. The characters were rich (some of them, which is odd for a Tarantino flick) and extremely well acted (all), the dialogue was superb (always is), and the violence was just what the doctor ordered (though from the trailer, you would think there should be more).

Back to SModcast. They were discussing remakes and how people always seem to get in an uproar over them. "You're ruining a classic!" yells an educated, half-mature, critic who has devoted his life to saying bad things about normal movies and sucking the cocks of independent films that no one has seen and half of no one can understand. Their point, which is a sentiment I agree with, is that films are about ... wait for it ... enterFUCKINtainment! Who cares if Transformers 2 has ZERO plot (which really, it has no plot, try to find it. It's like the last page of a 'Where's Waldo' book) but you know what? It has some kickass effects, the coolest looking robots I've seen in a movie, and Megan Fox .... come on!

All these things hark back to the remake thing. The point they make is that remaking a movie, does not destroy the original. In fact, Quentin Tarantino is end-all-be-all proof of that since almost every movie he's done has been a remake of sorts. I just saw that the original "Inglourious Basterds" Italian film was playing at a theater not too far from my house. That's revival son!

Granted people only get their panties in a wad when it's a beloved film. When Psycho came out by Gus Van Sant (who actually lives in Portland I hear), people were pissed off. I can see why they would be since Hitchcock can't be topped ... he just can't. But that's not the point. The point of a movie has been, and will always be to entertain. I saw the revamped Psycho when it was in theaters and I loved it. Vince Vaughn was scary man! Especially now, with the type-casted roll that he seems to have fallen into, thinking back ... he was really scary! And you know what, I still watch the old one. You can't kill a classic. That's why I'd like to see some directors take a shot at doing a new version of Casablanca. I know, it sort of stings when I say it too, but the more I think of it the cooler I think it would be. Wouldn't be interesting to see what the Coen brothers would do with that, or Marty Scorsese? Hell, what about QT?!

If you keep yourself open to option, usually you get more enjoyment I've found and keep changing for the better. But if you are resistant to change and become stagnant, then you die. Bottom line, it's better to be an open door than a closed casket.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

It's BACON!!!

I like things that make me fat. We all do right? And today it seemed I was bombarded with everything bacon related....which is fine cause, well, I love bacon!

First off came something from the wonderful people at thisiswhyyourefat.com. In which patrons of the site sent in structures made out of ... MEAT!! Like this little number, the meat tank!


As you can see, using various ground meat for the base and turret, the meat tank is heavily fortified with crispy bacon. A six inch bratwurst completes the meat tank with a formidable turret gun.

I never really thought of using bacon as armor plating, but I'm not really an engineer so...
On to another military item, the BA-K47!
This fully automatic rifle made ENTIRELY of bacon has extremely good mechanical motion while firing. That's probably due to the lack of requirement for gun oil, as the bacon grease keeps all its bacony parts in free fluid motion.
But people don't like war (even if it's delicious) and so I bring to you a bit of old world culture. Behold the amazing man-made wonder, the mysterious arches of "Bacon Wrapped Stone Henge".

Many wonder, why did they transport the building materials so far away to England? Who built it, and why? I will answer these questions for you now:

Cause British food sux...
someone awesome....
and who cares let's eat!!
Apart from bacon I also like to keep up on news from my favorite companies, such as Oakley. Today they came out with a press release for a new style of sunglass....for DQM (Dave's Quality Meats, you see where I'm going with this)....called the "Bacon Frogskin". Here they are.

I really don't have anything to say for this. It's beyond my usual threshold for rediculousness.

Lastly a wonderful announcement. My fellow Portlanders, on October the 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009, in partnership with several different breweries and stuff, we have the 1st annual Portland BACONFEST!!! Oh yes, everything that is bacon will be there and so will you....unless you have high cholesterol then you probably couldn't get within shouting distance. The fumes alone from this festival will clog your arteries and make you gain 14lbs. Myself, by nature of writing about it, have already sustained 2 minor strokes.

It's going to be a grand event, see you all there!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Bit of Geek for You Guv'na?

Like I said when I started this blog, it's not really about geeky stuff, that's just a name. But since I haven't actually blogged about anything in the geeksphere recently I thought I'd put this bit in here.


I am a gamer. Most of my friends know this. I am also a sucker for gimmicky sales ploys and advertisement. It's not that I'm gullible or have some weird shopping disorder, I just appreciate when advertisers and marketing works. One could make the argument that advertising/marketing is an art form that takes a level of creativity which is higher than composing a symphony. There is form and structure to it just as you would have in a symphony, but it must always be changing at such a rapid pace in order to dupe the masses that what you do one day will be obsolete the next.


Anywho, I came across this today. A game series (which I love) called Call of Duty (CoD to fans and people in the know) is scheduled to release its newest title Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 this November. For those of you who don't know the series, this is the 6th installment in the series following it's very successfull CoD World at War, which takes place during WWII. While most of the CoD series takes place during one of the World Wars, Modern Warfare is exactly what you would expect from its title, taking place during modern times.


With every major game that comes out there is always the regular game that you can purchase, and then there is the collector's edition. While most collector editions hardly seem worth spending an extra $20, $30, or as much $100 extra, some give you really cool and unique stuff to show off to your jealous friends and make you the coolest kid on your block. I've bought my fair share of collector's editions but I've never seen anything like this....and I want it!!


CoD Modern Warfare 2 has three editions: the regular, collector's, and prestige edition. The prestige edition contains everything that the collector's edition has (artbook, metal case, blah) with one huge difference.....NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!!! Ya, you heard me, night vision goggles. Now these aren't military grade or anything but come on, you can see in the friggin' dark! I'm curious as to how well they work but that's not the point. The guys at Activision actually came up with something that I would actually pay extra. Now I can persue my with greater ease one of my favorite hobbies, bat watching! I just love those creepy flying rodents.
Now you may be thinking, "Jeez Tony, how much is this amazing product going to cost and how can effectively sell my possesions to pay for this in a failing economy?" Well miss (cause a girl would've said that) you don't really have to break the bank on this, it's only $150! That's still really expensive but not as much as you'd think given that there are ... FRIGGIN' NIGHT VISION GOGGLES INCLUDED!! Aaaah, just think of all the stalking you could do and even the energy you'd save at night cause you can get around without the need for light! That kinda rhymed, I think I'll end it there. Go reserve your copy today while they last!!
Here is a video of the prestige edition being unboxed:

Monday, August 24, 2009

Animal ER

So this, let's call it an incident, happened about 2 weeks ago. I meant to write about it earlier, but stuff happens, you get off track, and here we are.

I was at a going away party for a friend of mine who is training to be a vet. Her and all of her friends are what you would call "animal lovers". I put "animal lovers" in quotations because they take that love to a degree that's beyond most people. Not an unhealthly level mind you, just close to what you would see in a PETA officer or something.

My friend and her cohorts were discussing a case in which a dog had cancer and it's owner was putting the dog through chemo therapy.

It was here that I made the ill-advised decision to enter into the conversation with, "They have chemo for dogs?! That's rediculous!"

(Angry stares from around the room)

"Why is that rediculous?" is the reply.

Now normally I would tell them EXACTLY what is rediculous about that story, but a warning look from my girlfriend told me it was best not to do so.

So I took the high road and said, "Well I can see if your pet is your primary companion that would make sense". That is where the sense stops.

What I wanted to mention was how crazy it is for millions of dollars to be spent on research for a therapy and medication that only the top 1% of pet owners could afford. And out of those top 1% not even half of those people would have pets with cancerous malignancies. All this spent on animals when HUMAN cancer research could use it so much more.

Undoubtedly they would've found that to be harsh, but my friend Jeff gave me an even better reason why chemo for dogs was stupid. More wrong than stupid actually.

In chemo for people, they have a choice. With dogs, no choice. The problem there is that chemo therapy is literally a poisoning of the body. You are committing harm intentionally to yourself by undergoing it. With a dog all that he or she understands is that after the therapy it feels sick. It's inhumane. You can't poison a dog against its will, even if the end result might be getting better.

In the end I think the cons outweight the pros but I guess when you are in love with an animal anything goes.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's Been A While...

My good friend, roommate, and now doomed to a life behind bars (engaged to be married), Jeff read me this email today which his mother sent him.

......I have not laughed this hard in a year!!! READ!!

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... ......



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you.. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Chile

cook-off in New Mexico .



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill.. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of Chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with Chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a niceblend Chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

Chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot Chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

*tear* ;;

Thursday, August 20, 2009

No Imagination

This is something that I've never really understood, how some people hate how fictional things are soooo fake.

To try and better explain this specific, let's call it a personality disorder, I use this analogy:

It's similar to hating music because it's so musical.

Ok not the best of analogies I agree, but I'm really at my wits end with this one because it really....doesn't....make...sense!

The first encounter I had with this problem was during the time of the third prequel to Star Wars. I (of course) was very excited about the film coming out and was discussing it with some people when my friend's boyfriend said, "I just hate how it's so fake. I mean come on laser swords and weird jumping robots?"

.....uh, what? He didn't say "I don't like the plot" or "the technology isn't that interesting" or even "the special effects look lame", his problem was that he couldn't believe something like a lightsaber could exist!

When writing a story of fiction the subject matter is usually fictional and thereby not real. The question of whether or not it's believable is irrelevant because IT by nature is unbelievable!

After this thought process, I concluded that I had heard him wrong and was merely misinterpreting him and that there was a logical explanation for his statement. Alas, there was not. He simply could not fathom the idea of a lightsaber, talking robots, or beyond light travel and therefor thought the entire thing was dumb. I'm sure he finds dragons and wizards rediculous too. How can someone hate a work of fiction because of it's fictional subject? I suppose this is the same reason that racsim and bigotry exist.

In conclusion, if you hate Star Wars....you are a racist bigot!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Beer! Now! STAT!!

This is more of a mystery if anything and I'm actually looking for an answer. Here is the account of what happened today.

Today I went to Powell's Books on Hawthorne and as I was passing the Safeway near 27th I saw a man running on the opposite side of the street. When I say running I mean not "jogging" or doing it for exercise, he was running as if to get away from something or urgently get somewhere. Often people will do this to catch a bus or stop someone whom they were talking to a moment ago and needed to tell them one last thing, but no buses had gone by and he didn't stop for 2 1/2 blocks.

This man had sandy blond hair, a faded red button up shirt and jeans on with what I assume were Converse sneakers. He looked like he was on his way to get some coffee or return a video by the way he was dressed ... except that he was sprinting to his destination. When he came to a stop it was in front of the farmer's market, so I just assumed that he was making a fruit salad and dammit all if he didn't have any kiwis!! This is of course an emergency that requires such physical exertions as sprinting almost 3 blocks ( and maybe more since he could have been running from much further behind me). So I took him to be a crazy fruit nut and went on my way.

As I was nearing the farmer's market I decided to go next door and get muffin from Grand Central since I hadn't had breakfast. I spent 10 minutes inside and then when I emerged, who should I see but the crazy fruit sprinter. Except he was coming from even further down Hawthorne (he went past the farmer's market apparently) and was not carrying fruit, but beer? It's 10:30 in the morning. On a weekday. And he RAN down the street for more than 3 blocks ... to pick up a case of PBR?!

This is the enigma that is PBR sprinter. I'm sure there is some easy logical explanation for all of this, but damned if I know what the fuck that is! I can't think of a single situation in which I'm sitting with some friends or co-workers, and we've just finished having our eggs, bacon, and coffee, and one of them turns to me and says,

"HOLY SHIT! I FORGOT TO GET SOME PBR LAST NIGHT!!"

Then another one drops what he/she is doing and replies,

"WHAT?! What the hell are we supposed to drink now?! Water?!"

After some finger pointing and blaming one another for this egregious error, we decide that which ever one of us is in the best physical condition should go and sprint down Hawthorne to the 7 Eleven and retrieve a case of PBR so that we can start consuming it immediately before we die of LAS (Lack of Alcohol Shock).

If anyone has a better idea please let me know. That's about as close as I'm going to get.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Give Peace A Chance

The other day I was walking down Hawthorne when a hipster (scientifically known as hipsticus snoberai) approaching me on the sidewalk, almost got hit by a car. The car was trying to pull out onto Hawthorne and didn't see said hipster crossing the street. He (the hipster) placed his hand on the car and exclaimed,

"Why don't you watch where you are going?!"

Which makes sense, because the man in the car was in fact not watching where he was going.

Normally in these situations, the driver would acknowledge that he/she wasn't paying attention and would make some sort of passing apology. This was not one of these situations.

Instead the driver's retort was,

"Why don't I come out of here and kick your ass!"

Maybe he had not had his coffee yet, or hates hipsters, or enjoys fights, or was just not having a good day, but I would hope that this isn't something he normally does.

If it were me, and I was the hipster, I would have laughed and walked away. Most likely to a slew of taunts such as the classic, "Oh yeah! Go ahead and walk away!" Which for one reason or another must make the person feel he/she is actually making that person walk away. But alas, this hipster had spunk, he had hutzpah, he was going to have the last laugh!

"Sure you will buddy! Just keep on driving your SUV!"

Ohhhh burn! Cause as you may know, no self-proclaimed hipster would be caught dead in a car that doesn't have at least 100k miles on it, 2 hubcaps, and either an interior or exterior that hasn't been modified to look "retro".

This guy had style, but he was out of his league as the frat-boy car-jockey gave what was (to me at least) a difinitive argument ender,

"I will get out of this car and break your fucking neck!"

I believe this is called assault, or at least verbal intention OF assault. This was so ridiculous that I could not help but laugh. Fortunately I was out of sight by now and could not be identified by the lunatic in the car. The hipster, for whatever reason, decided to continue with this little number,

"That's real great man. Setting a great example for your kids in the back!"

Point hipster. The two juggernauts of idiocy continue to battle it out, but the suave local seemed to have an edge....seemed.

Car-jockey, "I only got one kid in the back and he would love to see me fuck you up!"

And the game goes to the car-jockey. A shocking ending to what was an epic battle of stupidity. Let's give peace a chance....and watch where the fuck we're going.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

This is why I'm fat



So in my travels around Portland (the city in which I live) I have experienced a wide range of food. Thai, Italian, Mexican, Lebanese, Mediterranean, Cuban, and so many other delicious cuisine is available here I really don't know where to go most of the time.

Recently though I have been interested in the more "rich" fare that Portland has to offer. On the left there is a German Pancake from Zell's Cafe, which they are famous for. For those that don't know, a German Pancake is a pancake made in a deep cast iron pan with lots and lots of egg added to the batter. Basically it's what you would get if a pancake and an omlette had sex, made a baby, and then dumped powdered sugar, strawberries, and maple syrup all over that baby. Quite delectable!

As scary that is for Jenny Craig, I have something that tops that. In keeping with my breakfast theme I've started, I give you ... chicken and waffles! Not just any chicken actually, fried chicken. And not just any fried chicken, fried chicken covered in maple syrup...on a heavily buttered waffle. It's a old southern favorite that I had not eaten in quite some time, and when my girlfriend and I went to go see her photos on display at a local restaurant I just had to order it. Some of you may be thinking, "TONY!! Good Lord man, what the hell are you thinking?!?" Don't worry concerned citizens, the latte I ordered was non-fat.


To close it out, I think I'll get away from breakfast, skip lunch (cause that's really healthy), and move straight on to dinner. The food carts near my house are second to none. You can get anything from delicious french fries, jambalaya, tacos and burritos, to French crepes, BBQ, and even spaghetti! But the thing I got today was a boring old hot dawg ... or was it? This dog is a 1/4 lbs., fried and toasted bun, catsup and mustard covered, extremely non-kosher, BACON DOG!! As you can see it's huge, it's bacony, it's everything you want out of life but can never seem to achieve by other means. You know you want one.
Well that's why I'm fat, but rest assured I'll let you other reasons in the near future as I plan more non-kosher, artery clogging adventures in Portland.










Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Thanks for destroying my childhood

When I was a boy, just a strange enchanted boy, I saw many a cartoon. These cartoons typically were of an action variety and offset their violence by offering helpful moral tips after each show which later in life I found to be hilarious. They just keep on giving. My favorites growing up were He-Man, Transformers, GI Joe, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and with the exception of the last two all of them have made horrible ventures into the live action moive world.

Recently I saw the 2nd attempt at making a live action Transformers flick and it got me thinking. I understand why they want to do it, both from a financial and fan standpoint, but some things should just be left alone and preserved in the form for which it was made famous.

This mainly goes for cartoons, because you can't really duplicate what a cartoon can do with live action....yet. Lord knows they try. Michael Bay, for all the shit he's made and plot he's neglected, is doing his part to make it look like robots can really fight alongside real people. It was some of the most amazing effects I've seen in any movie...ever! But that's not enough, you also need a crucial part of any cartoon, characters. People forget that the stars of Transformers are....the TRANSFORMERS!! Shia LeBeef (or whatever) and Megan "such a" Fox are great and all but they have NOTHING to do with the real Transformers and I'd much rather see the character developement of Starscream, Megatron, Soundwave, BumbleBee, and (praying on my knees) the Dinobots! Basically a more advanced cartroon with a small side of real people.

Enough of Transformers for a bit. Now this may be a bit premature, but the GI Joe film set to come out fairly soon, looks like a joke. The trailer shows all our favorite characters: General Hawk, the Baroness, Duke, Scarlet, and of course SNAKE EYES!!! It's got cool military planes, cars, boats, subs, and .... super suits? WTF?! GI Joe don't need no damn super suit! I would much rather have 5 to 10 characters from GI Joe and Cobra duke it out Ramb style than have them doing flips off of planes in a $%@#ing super suit! The only saving grace as far as I, or anyone else for that matter, can see is...SNAKE EYES!!! Lemme say that again....SNAKE EYES!!! Ah, that will be sweet.

Going back to my original point, SNAKE EYES!!! aside, the movie can't hold on one character alone, no matter how crazy, ridiculous, Godly awesome he is. So although I haven't included it yet into the pantheon of cartoons-turned-films-that-suck, as the ghost of Christmas present once said, "if these shadows remain unchanged" then I see fans of GI Joe wailing and gnashing their teeth...or something.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What we are is what we are (sort of)

An ode to the geek....

When in need of service in tech,
there is no one better to call.
In an argument over Star Trek,
many facts they can recall.
If your computer runs slow,
or game is too hard.
Never shall you fear,
they will help you although,
they may proclaim you a "retard".
The geek is home in the final frontier.

You must excuse me because that was my first shot at an ode which is supposed to be in iambic verse, but I at least got the rhyming scheme right (it's ababcdecde if you'd like to know).

This is my blog, and although today's post is about geeks I assure you that it is not the entire focus of the overall blog. There may be a few more posts on the matter and of course the subjects I will normally choose are "geek" subjects, but there it is. This is an idea I had today as I was sitting at home watching the live coverage of Comic Con '09.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, Comic Con is a convention (Con = convention in nerd speak) that is entirely comprised of comic book themed material. Now it's been a long time since I've picked up a comic rag and taken a look at some crazily dressed and ridiculously bodied superheroes/heroines duke it out with their arch-nemeses, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the festivities.

Comic Con is about so much more than comics. As we all know, comic book hero movies do incredibly well with "The Dark Knight" taking home at least 1 Oscar as well as "Iron Man" grabbing one for special effects, they have been taken more and more seriously in recent years. Not to mention the HUGE box office numbers that they put out, it's safe to say that we'll keep seeing more and more of them. Television is seeing its share of comic book influence with shows like "Heroes" and even "Lost" having some sci-fi/fantasy roots. Also the very channel I'm watching this coverage on, G4 TV, has a huge section of its programming (almost all day) devoted to the Con. But why all the commotion over something that sounds to be a small microcosm of society?

To put it bluntly, its a geek's world. Technology and pop-culture make up a huge part of what makes this nation and thereby a good chunk of the world. Because geeks (and nerds, which before you ask there is a difference) are statistically 42% smarter than the average person according to a survey that I made up ten minutes ago. Being smarter means better jobs, higher pay, and therefore higher disposable income. That coupled with the "obsessive" gene that all geeks posses makes for a huge market that advertisers and movie execs take advantage of on a regular basis.

To go back to the whole point of this post, I am proud to be called a geek. Being a geek is something that once upon a time people were ashamed and often afraid to admit, but no longer. The numbers are there, the people have spoken, and now is the time for us as a people to take our rightful place as leaders of this nation!

Ok maybe not that, cause we also have a tendency to not really want to do much in politics unless it's....INTERGALACTIC POLITICS!! Maybe when we discover life on other planets geeks will want to become more involved in government. Until then we'll just continue doing what we've been doing all over the world. Making it safe for people of color....or a severe lack thereof.