Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dogs and Cats Are For Chumps!!!

I've never been a cat person. My girlfriend is allergic (like if the Aristocats were singing to her from across the street, she would probably get an ear infection) so that pretty much does it, but they never appealed to me anyways.

Dogs were always my thing, but I never actually owned a dog. I run into this blind and partially deaf dog almost everyday (sometimes I literally run into the dog) and I think to myself, "Man that would be a huge hassle, maybe I shouldn't get a dog."

Over the course of my life I've had three pets. When I was young, about eight, I had a hamster named Monterrey Jack. I watched a lot of 'Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers' and thought it was a good fit. MJ was awesome....especially when I threw him up in the air over my bed with my siblings cause he looked funny flailing around. Before you sick PETA on me, I was a stupid kid and didn't know any better. It was a soft bed I didn't think it would hurt. I actually don't know if that was the cause of death or the bag of Cheetos I fed him, but he's in a much better place I'm sure.

My next pet I got on my 11th birthday and he was a parakeet named Groucho. At that time I really liked Marx brothers movies, so there you go. He lived a long time, but over time I got tired of him and didn't clean up after him as well as I should. Groucho got kinda mean. My sister also got a parakeet that she named Ramona, after the Ramona Quimby novels, and Groucho promptly killed her. Bit her throat or something. Later he died and I moved on.

Last I had a turtle who I named Spike. Spike is a traditional dog name, at least in cartoons, and so I thought it would be funny. Spike was (or is, he might still be alive) a Mississippi Maps turtle and really cool! I used to take him out and let him crawl around. I would clean his shell and let him swim in the tub. But man oh man.....did he smell awful!! I mean a two week old dead fish floating in a pool of rancid milk, bad! When I left for my traveling job, I couldn't take him with me and so my good friend, who had a turtle of her own, took him and cared for him. Spike was a climber and somehow escaped, so he may ACTUALLY be in a better place.

All those pets were fine, but not great. A dog would be better, but the whole point of this is I've found probably the best option for a pet. Check this out...

That, is not photoshop'd. That, is a baby....pygmy....hippo. Those are baby carrots down by its feet. How would you like to play in the tub, with a freakin' baby, pygmy, HIPPO!! I mean it would be the coolest thing ever! It would float in the water, and when it came up for air it would wiggle its ears like you see on the Discovery channel, I mean....HOLY SHIT!! Plus when they're full grown, they're still small. Like the size of a dog...but a hippo! I'm not doing a good job of explaining how cool this is, so just stare at the picture a while and maybe you'll see what I see....magic.

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