It's BACON!!!

I like things that make me fat. We all do right? And today it seemed I was bombarded with everything bacon related....which is fine cause, well, I love bacon!

First off came something from the wonderful people at thisiswhyyourefat.com. In which patrons of the site sent in structures made out of ... MEAT!! Like this little number, the meat tank!

As you can see, using various ground meat for the base and turret, the meat tank is heavily fortified with crispy bacon. A six inch bratwurst completes the meat tank with a formidable turret gun.

I never really thought of using bacon as armor plating, but I'm not really an engineer so...

On to another military item, the BA-K47!

This fully automatic rifle made ENTIRELY of bacon has extremely good mechanical motion while firing. That's probably due to the lack of requirement for gun oil, as the bacon grease keeps all its bacony parts in free fluid motion.

But people don't like war (even if it's delicious) and so I bring to you a bit of old world culture. Behold the amazing man-made wonder, the mysterious arches of "Bacon Wrapped Stone Henge".

Many wonder, why did they transport the building materials so far away to England? Who built it, and why? I will answer these questions for you now:

Cause British food sux...

someone awesome....

and who cares let's eat!!

Apart from bacon I also like to keep up on news from my favorite companies, such as Oakley. Today they came out with a press release for a new style of sunglass....for DQM (Dave's Quality Meats, you see where I'm going with this)....called the "Bacon Frogskin". Here they are.

I really don't have anything to say for this. It's beyond my usual threshold for rediculousness.

Lastly a wonderful announcement. My fellow Portlanders, on October the 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009, in partnership with several different breweries and stuff, we have the 1st annual Portland BACONFEST!!! Oh yes, everything that is bacon will be there and so will you....unless you have high cholesterol then you probably couldn't get within shouting distance. The fumes alone from this festival will clog your arteries and make you gain 14lbs. Myself, by nature of writing about it, have already sustained 2 minor strokes.

It's going to be a grand event, see you all there!

A Bit of Geek for You Guv'na?

Like I said when I started this blog, it's not really about geeky stuff, that's just a name. But since I haven't actually blogged about anything in the geeksphere recently I thought I'd put this bit in here.

I am a gamer. Most of my friends know this. I am also a sucker for gimmicky sales ploys and advertisement. It's not that I'm gullible or have some weird shopping disorder, I just appreciate when advertisers and marketing works. One could make the argument that advertising/marketing is an art form that takes a level of creativity which is higher than composing a symphony. There is form and structure to it just as you would have in a symphony, but it must always be changing at such a rapid pace in order to dupe the masses that what you do one day will be obsolete the next.

Anywho, I came across this today. A game series (which I love) called Call of Duty (CoD to fans and people in the know) is scheduled to release its newest title Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 this November. For those of you who don't know the series, this is the 6th installment in the series following it's very successfull CoD World at War, which takes place during WWII. While most of the CoD series takes place during one of the World Wars, Modern Warfare is exactly what you would expect from its title, taking place during modern times.

With every major game that comes out there is always the regular game that you can purchase, and then there is the collector's edition. While most collector editions hardly seem worth spending an extra $20, $30, or as much $100 extra, some give you really cool and unique stuff to show off to your jealous friends and make you the coolest kid on your block. I've bought my fair share of collector's editions but I've never seen anything like this....and I want it!!

CoD Modern Warfare 2 has three editions: the regular, collector's, and prestige edition. The prestige edition contains everything that the collector's edition has (artbook, metal case, blah) with one huge difference.....NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!!! Ya, you heard me, night vision goggles. Now these aren't military grade or anything but come on, you can see in the friggin' dark! I'm curious as to how well they work but that's not the point. The guys at Activision actually came up with something that I would actually pay extra. Now I can persue my with greater ease one of my favorite hobbies, bat watching! I just love those creepy flying rodents.

Now you may be thinking, "Jeez Tony, how much is this amazing product going to cost and how can effectively sell my possesions to pay for this in a failing economy?" Well miss (cause a girl would've said that) you don't really have to break the bank on this, it's only $150! That's still really expensive but not as much as you'd think given that there are ... FRIGGIN' NIGHT VISION GOGGLES INCLUDED!! Aaaah, just think of all the stalking you could do and even the energy you'd save at night cause you can get around without the need for light! That kinda rhymed, I think I'll end it there. Go reserve your copy today while they last!!

Here is a video of the prestige edition being unboxed:

http://www.engadget.com/2009/07/13/modern-warfare-2s-prestige-edition-includes-fully-functioning/

Animal ER

So this, let's call it an incident, happened about 2 weeks ago. I meant to write about it earlier, but stuff happens, you get off track, and here we are.

I was at a going away party for a friend of mine who is training to be a vet. Her and all of her friends are what you would call "animal lovers". I put "animal lovers" in quotations because they take that love to a degree that's beyond most people. Not an unhealthly level mind you, just close to what you would see in a PETA officer or something.

My friend and her cohorts were discussing a case in which a dog had cancer and it's owner was putting the dog through chemo therapy.

It was here that I made the ill-advised decision to enter into the conversation with, "They have chemo for dogs?! That's rediculous!"

(Angry stares from around the room)

"Why is that rediculous?" is the reply.

Now normally I would tell them EXACTLY what is rediculous about that story, but a warning look from my girlfriend told me it was best not to do so.

So I took the high road and said, "Well I can see if your pet is your primary companion that would make sense". That is where the sense stops.

What I wanted to mention was how crazy it is for millions of dollars to be spent on research for a therapy and medication that only the top 1% of pet owners could afford. And out of those top 1% not even half of those people would have pets with cancerous malignancies. All this spent on animals when HUMAN cancer research could use it so much more.

Undoubtedly they would've found that to be harsh, but my friend Jeff gave me an even better reason why chemo for dogs was stupid. More wrong than stupid actually.

In chemo for people, they have a choice. With dogs, no choice. The problem there is that chemo therapy is literally a poisoning of the body. You are committing harm intentionally to yourself by undergoing it. With a dog all that he or she understands is that after the therapy it feels sick. It's inhumane. You can't poison a dog against its will, even if the end result might be getting better.

In the end I think the cons outweight the pros but I guess when you are in love with an animal anything goes.

It's Been A While...

My good friend, roommate, and now doomed to a life behind bars (engaged to be married), Jeff read me this email today which his mother sent him.

......I have not laughed this hard in a year!!! READ!!

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... ......



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you.. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Chile

cook-off in New Mexico .



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill.. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of Chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with Chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a niceblend Chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

Chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot Chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

*tear* ;;

No Imagination

This is something that I've never really understood, how some people hate how fictional things are soooo fake.

To try and better explain this specific, let's call it a personality disorder, I use this analogy:

It's similar to hating music because it's so musical.

Ok not the best of analogies I agree, but I'm really at my wits end with this one because it really....doesn't....make...sense!

The first encounter I had with this problem was during the time of the third prequel to Star Wars. I (of course) was very excited about the film coming out and was discussing it with some people when my friend's boyfriend said, "I just hate how it's so fake. I mean come on laser swords and weird jumping robots?"

.....uh, what? He didn't say "I don't like the plot" or "the technology isn't that interesting" or even "the special effects look lame", his problem was that he couldn't believe something like a lightsaber could exist!

When writing a story of fiction the subject matter is usually fictional and thereby not real. The question of whether or not it's believable is irrelevant because IT by nature is unbelievable!

After this thought process, I concluded that I had heard him wrong and was merely misinterpreting him and that there was a logical explanation for his statement. Alas, there was not. He simply could not fathom the idea of a lightsaber, talking robots, or beyond light travel and therefor thought the entire thing was dumb. I'm sure he finds dragons and wizards rediculous too. How can someone hate a work of fiction because of it's fictional subject? I suppose this is the same reason that racsim and bigotry exist.

In conclusion, if you hate Star Wars....you are a racist bigot!

Beer! Now! STAT!!

This is more of a mystery if anything and I'm actually looking for an answer. Here is the account of what happened today.

Today I went to Powell's Books on Hawthorne and as I was passing the Safeway near 27th I saw a man running on the opposite side of the street. When I say running I mean not "jogging" or doing it for exercise, he was running as if to get away from something or urgently get somewhere. Often people will do this to catch a bus or stop someone whom they were talking to a moment ago and needed to tell them one last thing, but no buses had gone by and he didn't stop for 2 1/2 blocks.

This man had sandy blond hair, a faded red button up shirt and jeans on with what I assume were Converse sneakers. He looked like he was on his way to get some coffee or return a video by the way he was dressed ... except that he was sprinting to his destination. When he came to a stop it was in front of the farmer's market, so I just assumed that he was making a fruit salad and dammit all if he didn't have any kiwis!! This is of course an emergency that requires such physical exertions as sprinting almost 3 blocks ( and maybe more since he could have been running from much further behind me). So I took him to be a crazy fruit nut and went on my way.

As I was nearing the farmer's market I decided to go next door and get muffin from Grand Central since I hadn't had breakfast. I spent 10 minutes inside and then when I emerged, who should I see but the crazy fruit sprinter. Except he was coming from even further down Hawthorne (he went past the farmer's market apparently) and was not carrying fruit, but beer? It's 10:30 in the morning. On a weekday. And he RAN down the street for more than 3 blocks ... to pick up a case of PBR?!

This is the enigma that is PBR sprinter. I'm sure there is some easy logical explanation for all of this, but damned if I know what the fuck that is! I can't think of a single situation in which I'm sitting with some friends or co-workers, and we've just finished having our eggs, bacon, and coffee, and one of them turns to me and says,

"HOLY SHIT! I FORGOT TO GET SOME PBR LAST NIGHT!!"

Then another one drops what he/she is doing and replies,

"WHAT?! What the hell are we supposed to drink now?! Water?!"

After some finger pointing and blaming one another for this egregious error, we decide that which ever one of us is in the best physical condition should go and sprint down Hawthorne to the 7 Eleven and retrieve a case of PBR so that we can start consuming it immediately before we die of LAS (Lack of Alcohol Shock).

If anyone has a better idea please let me know. That's about as close as I'm going to get.

Give Peace A Chance

The other day I was walking down Hawthorne when a hipster (scientifically known as hipsticus snoberai) approaching me on the sidewalk, almost got hit by a car. The car was trying to pull out onto Hawthorne and didn't see said hipster crossing the street. He (the hipster) placed his hand on the car and exclaimed,

"Why don't you watch where you are going?!"

Which makes sense, because the man in the car was in fact not watching where he was going.

Normally in these situations, the driver would acknowledge that he/she wasn't paying attention and would make some sort of passing apology. This was not one of these situations.

Instead the driver's retort was,

"Why don't I come out of here and kick your ass!"

Maybe he had not had his coffee yet, or hates hipsters, or enjoys fights, or was just not having a good day, but I would hope that this isn't something he normally does.

If it were me, and I was the hipster, I would have laughed and walked away. Most likely to a slew of taunts such as the classic, "Oh yeah! Go ahead and walk away!" Which for one reason or another must make the person feel he/she is actually making that person walk away. But alas, this hipster had spunk, he had hutzpah, he was going to have the last laugh!

"Sure you will buddy! Just keep on driving your SUV!"

Ohhhh burn! Cause as you may know, no self-proclaimed hipster would be caught dead in a car that doesn't have at least 100k miles on it, 2 hubcaps, and either an interior or exterior that hasn't been modified to look "retro".

This guy had style, but he was out of his league as the frat-boy car-jockey gave what was (to me at least) a difinitive argument ender,

"I will get out of this car and break your fucking neck!"

I believe this is called assault, or at least verbal intention OF assault. This was so ridiculous that I could not help but laugh. Fortunately I was out of sight by now and could not be identified by the lunatic in the car. The hipster, for whatever reason, decided to continue with this little number,

"That's real great man. Setting a great example for your kids in the back!"

Point hipster. The two juggernauts of idiocy continue to battle it out, but the suave local seemed to have an edge....seemed.

Car-jockey, "I only got one kid in the back and he would love to see me fuck you up!"

And the game goes to the car-jockey. A shocking ending to what was an epic battle of stupidity. Let's give peace a chance....and watch where the fuck we're going.

This is why I'm fat

So in my travels around Portland (the city in which I live) I have experienced a wide range of food. Thai, Italian, Mexican, Lebanese, Mediterranean, Cuban, and so many other delicious cuisine is available here I really don't know where to go most of the time.

Recently though I have been interested in the more "rich" fare that Portland has to offer. On the left there is a German Pancake from Zell's Cafe, which they are famous for. For those that don't know, a German Pancake is a pancake made in a deep cast iron pan with lots and lots of egg added to the batter. Basically it's what you would get if a pancake and an omlette had sex, made a baby, and then dumped powdered sugar, strawberries, and maple syrup all over that baby. Quite delectable!

As scary that is for Jenny Craig, I have something that tops that. In keeping with my breakfast theme I've started, I give you ... chicken and waffles! Not just any chicken actually, fried chicken. And not just any fried chicken, fried chicken covered in maple syrup...on a heavily buttered waffle. It's a old southern favorite that I had not eaten in quite some time, and when my girlfriend and I went to go see her photos on display at a local restaurant I just had to order it. Some of you may be thinking, "TONY!! Good Lord man, what the hell are you thinking?!?" Don't worry concerned citizens, the latte I ordered was non-fat.

To close it out, I think I'll get away from breakfast, skip lunch (cause that's really healthy), and move straight on to dinner. The food carts near my house are second to none. You can get anything from delicious french fries, jambalaya, tacos and burritos, to French crepes, BBQ, and even spaghetti! But the thing I got today was a boring old hot dawg ... or was it? This dog is a 1/4 lbs., fried and toasted bun, catsup and mustard covered, extremely non-kosher, BACON DOG!! As you can see it's huge, it's bacony, it's everything you want out of life but can never seem to achieve by other means. You know you want one.

Well that's why I'm fat, but rest assured I'll let you other reasons in the near future as I plan more non-kosher, artery clogging adventures in Portland.