It's Been A While...

My good friend, roommate, and now doomed to a life behind bars (engaged to be married), Jeff read me this email today which his mother sent him.

......I have not laughed this hard in a year!!! READ!!

NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... ......



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you.. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Chile

cook-off in New Mexico .



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill.. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of Chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with Chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a niceblend Chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

Chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot Chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

*tear* ;;