Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Flame On!!!

A friend of mine recently received her first negative comment on her blog, and I was like...TOTALLY JEALOUS!!!

Let me explain. The goal of a blog is to get readers, now logic dictates that in order to be a reader you have to actually like what you are reading. I mean why would I want to read something that I didn't care about or didn't like? The main goal, however, is entertainment, and mind-bogglingly enough people love to hate.

So to me the greatest comment to receive is a negative one, because it (in a sense) validates your blog as being so popular that even people who think it sucks have to read it. Of course if the blog is openly offensive that's kind of cheating.

It's like when NBC realized that Howard Stern was the real deal. They took a poll of people who liked and disliked the show and of the folks who liked it (probably not 'folks' cause it was in NYC...maybe goyims, but then again I'm not Jewish) they listened on average for 2.5 hours. Then they rated the people who hated the show (who had to have listened at least once by default) and they listened to the show an average of 4 HOURS!!

Before they were called 'haters', now the world of teh intarwebs they are known as 'flamers'. Not gay (though they kind of are), but people who live to comment negatively on stuff.

Kudos to Melissa and her negative comment. I hope someday, someone will care enough to hate what I write too.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Sport Has Passed Me By

When I was a boy I played many a sport. I began with baseball, because that's what my dad played and it was America's pastime.

I find it funny that baseball of all sports is America's pastime. It's slow, you sit around and do nothing for most of it, and it's even acceptable to use narcotics during the game (chewing tobacco). Weird.

Anywho, I played baseball for about five years and soccer for four. Basketball I played probably the most at six or seven years (I can't recall the exact amount), but the sport I loved was hockey!

Texas? Hockey? Doesn't really fit, right? It was on the wave of two things: first, "The Mighty Ducks" which sent the nation into a hockey frenzy for a few years, and the coming of the then Minnesota North Stars to Dallas. I take great pride in my hockey skills because at the time, no one else in my family knew how to skate. I taught myself going back and forth on the driveway out back for hours. I bought my sticks to play and would typically play from the time I got out of school (3:30) to when it was time for dinner (5:30). In the summers it would be from just after noon till it got dark! I played hockey a total of around 10 years and got really good. I would say at my best, good enough to go into a minor league club and do alright. I even got a bunch of supplies and found a nice rink to play pickup games at when I moved out here to Portland.

Recently I've been thinking more and more about it for exercise purposes, but a video I just saw made me want to quit altogether.

That's a nine year old! Even if I tried to break this kids face with my size.....he would still beat me! For those who don't understand what they are seeing in the video, the kid basically flips the puck so it lays flat on the blade of his stick, then using the centripetal force, spins around, and slingshots the puck into the net!!


The goalie clearly has the right idea as he hardly goes down into his stance, then after the puck goes in he immediately starts to move off the ice and go ask his father to shoot him in the face because he just realized that all your dreams do NOT come true!

This kid just received a notice from the Canadian government that he is allowed (when he turns 18) to visit all of the cities of Canada, all expenses paid, and impregnate their women.....and maybe a bear or two.

(I've had a theory for years that the Canadian government was secretly doing experimentation on bear/hockey player cross breeding to make super unstoppable bear hockey players. More research needs to be done.)

Friday, October 16, 2009

When I Grow Up.....

As a child, we all have dreams. We want to be firemen(or firewomen), police officers, astronaunts, and the like, but as time moves on we refine that dream job and make it more specific and usually more mature. Here is the breakdown of my dream career evolution:

Age 3 - Master of the Universe; I kinda started thinking big. If only I had gotten that magic sword, I still might be on that path.

Age 5 - Scientist; Here I became more practical and thought, "If I could devise some way to create robots to do my bidding then I'll have all the free time I need to find that damn magical sword!" (I never mentioned my ulterior motives to anyone)

Age 7 - Paleontologist; I know, a 7 year old wanting to be a paleontologist is kinda weird. I liked dinosaurs, what can I say? Having given up my search for Greyskull I decided it was time to get serious and search for something real. Although if you are a Seventh Day Adventist, I would be more acurrately searching for "God's tests" or "God's practical jokes" rather than fossils.

Age 10 - Lawyer; I on again off again wanted to be a lawyer throughout my life, but this was the first time I considered it. Both my parents are lawyers, so it just made sense. Thinking back though, the job really isn't for me, plus my dad always said "there are too many lawyers in the world anyway". True, true.

Age 16 - We skipped a bunch of years here cause I didn't really care. Plus, this is the first time I thought of becoming a filmmaker! This is still my dream but it gets interrupted a couple of times before I come back to it.

Age 17 - A brief stint of looking for that stupid magical sword again. Sigh. I'll never find it.

Age 18 - Priest; Yup, there was a time in my life when I was lost and looked to God. I've always liked discussing religion and spirituality so it felt like a natural calling for me. But in the end I decided I was too skeptical a person to be a good leader in any kind of "faith". Plus I'm attracted to women.

Age 21 - Computer Programmer/Debugger; I like computers, I like puzzels, and debugging programs is like putting the two of them together.

Age 22 to yesterday- Filmmaker; I don't know what the future holds for me, but I hope it has something to do with film....OH, wait, what's this?!

Today - Dinosaur puppeteer; I've found my calling. I'm leaving you all to pursue this and I'm not looking back!

Monday, October 12, 2009

For All The Ladies...

The evidence is there, so I've suspected it for a long time, but somehow I always knew.

For those of you who aren't in the 'know', or for those of you who don't read 'The Mercury', here is the article....


Using scientific evidence and sophisticated techniques of reasoning and deduction, the Phd researchers and Nobel Prize winning sociologists have found out that Germans make the worst lovers and .... Spaniards are the best. My last name is Fernandez, and though at times I claim the Mexican flag, my true linage would best be described as Spanish.

I know that even as I write this, many of you ladies are trying to find me via Google, friends, relatives, and any other way they can. The rumors are true. All the stereotypes and hype about us is, well, sadly true. I say sadly, because it is a burden to live with such gifts. As Peter Parker's father once said, "With great power comes great responsiblity". I am responsible for the happiness of all the women of the world. I will do what I can.

.....just kidding darlin', you're the only one for me. Please don't leave me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Robots Are Our Friends?

In the discussion about the future of robots you have two camps: the C-3POs and the Terminators. The C-3POs are friendly, helpful, and will most certainly not turn on you and destroy humanity. The Terminator is, well, the opposite. More often then not, movies tend to lean toward the Matrix side rather than A.I. (Kubrick), because it's more fun and, in my opinion, a much better movie (A.I. sucked).

So I came across this video the other day that put me in a quandry. Here it is below...

Funktionide Part II from eltopo on Vimeo.

This is the Funktionide made by some crazy ass Germans (I knew they'd come back to finish what they started!!!). It is designed to help ease lonliness by simulating the muscle reactions of a human at rest....except it's a robot pillow. The Funktionide (German for crazy ass pillowbot) using a unique electroactive polymers, which is a network of plastic pockets that are stimulated by electric charges, simulate muscle movement. So its a robot...that's designed to be our friend. Hmmmm.

Enough explaining. This thing frightens me more than zombie dentist clowns!! It crawls onto the bed with him!!! ....AND HE LETS IT!! What the hell! What is there to stop this robot pillow from smothering you in your sleep?!

"Oh, Jonathan. You look so lonely. Here, let me put you out of your misery." (pillow talking...lol, pillow talk. Sorry.)

I would have to vote Terminator on this. We need to stop SkyNet, or, HimmelFangen, as it would be in German. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they weren't marketing it to the Jewish community....ok, I went a bit too far there.

Germans, stop trying to make our robot friends and make finish our beerbots!! Lot's of thirsty people over here!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dogs and Cats Are For Chumps!!!

I've never been a cat person. My girlfriend is allergic (like if the Aristocats were singing to her from across the street, she would probably get an ear infection) so that pretty much does it, but they never appealed to me anyways.

Dogs were always my thing, but I never actually owned a dog. I run into this blind and partially deaf dog almost everyday (sometimes I literally run into the dog) and I think to myself, "Man that would be a huge hassle, maybe I shouldn't get a dog."

Over the course of my life I've had three pets. When I was young, about eight, I had a hamster named Monterrey Jack. I watched a lot of 'Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers' and thought it was a good fit. MJ was awesome....especially when I threw him up in the air over my bed with my siblings cause he looked funny flailing around. Before you sick PETA on me, I was a stupid kid and didn't know any better. It was a soft bed I didn't think it would hurt. I actually don't know if that was the cause of death or the bag of Cheetos I fed him, but he's in a much better place I'm sure.

My next pet I got on my 11th birthday and he was a parakeet named Groucho. At that time I really liked Marx brothers movies, so there you go. He lived a long time, but over time I got tired of him and didn't clean up after him as well as I should. Groucho got kinda mean. My sister also got a parakeet that she named Ramona, after the Ramona Quimby novels, and Groucho promptly killed her. Bit her throat or something. Later he died and I moved on.

Last I had a turtle who I named Spike. Spike is a traditional dog name, at least in cartoons, and so I thought it would be funny. Spike was (or is, he might still be alive) a Mississippi Maps turtle and really cool! I used to take him out and let him crawl around. I would clean his shell and let him swim in the tub. But man oh man.....did he smell awful!! I mean a two week old dead fish floating in a pool of rancid milk, bad! When I left for my traveling job, I couldn't take him with me and so my good friend, who had a turtle of her own, took him and cared for him. Spike was a climber and somehow escaped, so he may ACTUALLY be in a better place.

All those pets were fine, but not great. A dog would be better, but the whole point of this is I've found probably the best option for a pet. Check this out...

That, is not photoshop'd. That, is a baby....pygmy....hippo. Those are baby carrots down by its feet. How would you like to play in the tub, with a freakin' baby, pygmy, HIPPO!! I mean it would be the coolest thing ever! It would float in the water, and when it came up for air it would wiggle its ears like you see on the Discovery channel, I mean....HOLY SHIT!! Plus when they're full grown, they're still small. Like the size of a dog...but a hippo! I'm not doing a good job of explaining how cool this is, so just stare at the picture a while and maybe you'll see what I see....magic.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Laughing With/At Me

So many of you, my readers, probably already know of a new blog my girlfriend (though I'm not too sure about the friend part) began called "Things Tony Says And Does". Here is a little background.

My girlfriend thinks I'm funny. Not in the good way. She laughs at me instead of with me. So one day (I think it was Thursday) she thought out loud, "I need a new project. Hmmmm, how about a blog making fun of you every chance I get?!"

...I may be paraphrasing.

It started with the first post, of me trying to slaughter an enormous fly, but really she's been at it a long while. There probably hasn't been a week since we've been together that she didn't blab to a friend of something 'stupid' I did.

So when she proposed the blog, I actually thought it would be fun. After the first couple of posts I started to have doubts.

"What if people start thinking I'm weird and don't want to hang out with me because of my lack of Spanish skills or that I can't 'curb my own enthusiasm'?!"

Then she told me that she linked this blog on hers. Not to help me out or anything, just as proof that I'm exactly as she describes. Touche, she does have a point. I'm not exactly hiding my insane behavior.

So, I've decided to be even MORE strange and bizarre!! (Hehe, let's see if she likes that!) For your own enjoyment I will make it my goal to step on more rakes, get caught in racist situations, try unusual methods for disposing of old fruit, and getting in fights with complete strangers over my place in line at the butcher counter!

Have a laugh...on my behalf! (I'm soooo sweet.)